Charisma & Chaos

She dreamed of a greater kind of love than the kind displayed in the library but was also filled with a nameless ambition that had nothing to do with love.  What exactly did she want?  It was ambition that wouldn't let her compete for or seek the same things that others sought

In the last few years she'd come close to defining the nameless ambition that had pushed her this far: to avoid the sheep life at all costs.

why is life so hard.

I am a lot of things; I can be harsh, I can be judgemental.  I am not perfect.  But I am loyal.  and fun.  I am never-stopping.  I chase after things I want, and give people more chances than they deserve.  I see the best in most and forget the majority of the worst. 

Life is hard the way I live it because to be honest most of the people around me do not meet my standards.  I am not better than you.  Having standards does not single me out in a category that is different than anyone else, it just means that I live with intention.  That I am intentional about the people I surround myself with.  I want people that can keep up with my intellegience, drinking, dancing, humor, passions, i.e my life style.  I need people that are kind and compassionate but risky and fearless.   I have come to realize in these months before I turn 25 that I am not satisfied with many things because I have lessened my standards.  The majority of people my age I interact with do not get me; they are selfish and bitter.  They do not put others' needs in consideration and frankly, they are often not kind.  They may enjoy the same things I do but they do them in ways I find appaling.  They have lofty goals but yet aren't willing to take constructive advice that will help them change and move forward.  They are wearing me down.

My closest friends, my best friends, people I admire and respect and crave time with, the people I have in frames on my desk that I see daily are not the people I have known the longest.  In fact, many of them I have known less than 5 years.  They are the people I chanced to meet who changed my life forever.  They experienced highs and lows with me and challenged me to be more.  They are now scattered around the globe, literally, and I cherish the memories I had with them.  We may catch up in an email, random text, group reunion or a joyful weekend out but it is not often that I see or sometimes talk to them.  They still mean the most to me and I hate that we are separated but I try to remember there is a reason I met them all. 

Maybe one day I will meet someone that will stay.  And maybe then life won't be so hard.

New Beginnings. 
May try to write a story in the month of November.  So far its a memoir.  And not very good.  An excerpt. ..

...I wasn’t consciously trying to be rude or act better, but really- I spent my days reviewing documents for students living in Liberia and Vietnam.  I was gold member of Hilton and was obsessed with global concrete culture.  I couldn’t live without instagram, music from the weeknd and snapbacks.  I had nothing in common with them.  This is also where I began to examine myself and figure out how and why I was so different.  To my family it may have seemed odd that I wasn’t married yet, to others maybe a bit bizarre that I had never been in a serious relationship by 23 and although my close friends were supportive of me, many people my age would gawk if they knew I was still a virgin.  Yes, being raised in a conservative christian household had some impact on this fact; however, there was much more than that going into my decision to have sex or not; one being that I wasn’t quite comfortable enough with myself and timing had never been right.  People constantly told me I was the baddest good girl they ever met, or that I didn’t seem like a virgin.  I didn’t know what that meant exactly, other than the fact that I must have acted like a cheap whore on the verge of a cocaine bender or something. ...